Some of the things I write unintentionally come off with an air of condescension. It can seem like I am professing to be some sort of soul guru, wise sage or expert in something. I am not. My mom once said to me that my words are quite poignant on the page, but noted that I don’t live by them. I was instantly pissed. Because it is true.

This is not one of those condescending pieces of writing. This is an open-ended question and I encourage all to respond with their own insight or personal anecdotes. I am interested in the thoughts of the Holy, the Godless, the scientific, the wild, the caged, the Zen and also the forlorn.

How do you forgive someone who is not sorry?

Perhaps the offending person feels sorry in their own quiet moments or maybe they have no regrets at all. Either way, this person has not vocalized or demonstrated that they are sorry to you. He or she may ignore you completely or pretend like he/she never hurt you at all (gaslighting is for another entry).

I ask because I do not want to carry anger, hatred or ill-will any more. I try to say, “I forgive you” in my head, but it feels uncomfortable, like I’m trying to swallow a pill without water.

So–if lying to myself won’t work, how can I forgive?

I did it once. Whole-heartedly, fully, and on a grand scale. Ten years ago, someone I deeply loved left me. He left me with child, that he asked I extinguish. Initially, my heart was broken. But this brokenness soon turned to deep hatred, and massive amounts of my energy went toward wishing him ill-will.

I wanted to hex him. I cursed his whole family. I begged the universe for Karmic intervention. I wrote heaps of sad and mad poems (Smile , Faced with Disgrace, Blue Rooms) expressing these emotions.
This went on for years.

And then, something incredible happened. I fell in love again. And not just with my perfect son, but a romantic type of love with a beautiful man. And while he was quite imperfect, he loved me in a way I had never experienced. He loved my chaos, he loved my brokenness, he loved my tendency to run away. And even more importantly, he has never left. He didn’t leave when I asked him to, he wouldn’t go when I screamed at him to, and he didn’t even leave when I (temporarily) left.

I’m not sure if his arrival was the catalyst that allowed me to forgive or merely coincidental. Nevertheless one night, I looked to the star-filled sky, and tears began rolling down my face. A quiet voice in my heart forgave the first man. It was as if a veil was lifted, and I truly felt that he knew not his trespasses against myself and the Universe. I also knew that he did love me. Loved us…and he forever would. I had been inexplicably redeemed. I felt a great weight lifted from my chest. And from the crown of my head, something invisible shattered and flew up into the heavens.

I tell this story, with reservation, but I tell it because I know forgiveness is possible. It is possible to forgive those who break your heart, those who are violent toward you, and those who you may have never loved at all (but used your heart as a punching bag to release their own pain).

But how?

Now, there are people who have severely wronged me long ago. Hell, I have wronged myself many times in my life. I’ve had traumatic experiences as a teenage girl, that I suppressed so hard, they later exploded like a bomb filled with tear gas. But the forgiveness I seek now, is of rather recent incident. It’s relevant because I encounter these people occasionally. When I do, my face gets hot and my heart pounds, as I feel my rage swell. The damn audacity of this person to fucking speak to me with such casual nonchalance.

I want to forgive her.
I want to forgive him.
I want to move forward in grace, in peace,
and really, really mean it.

I do have one clue; it fell upon me as I was recounting the story above…
Maybe first, I have to forgive myself. Maybe I have to recognize and own the fact that the reason I was hurt in the first place was due to choices I made. I am the company I keep. I am the product of my own free will.

Do I openly ask for pain and suffering?
No, of course not.
Do I engage with people and go places that open me up to heartache?
Yes, yes I do.

I forgive you Alison.
I forgive you for trusting in people that turned around and hurt you.
I forgive you for not being careful with your precious energy.
I forgive you for taking the hard roads.
I forgive you for putting yourself in the line of fire.
I forgive you for not fighting back.
I forgive you for taking the pain others caused you and putting it on those you love.
I forgive you for all of it.

Any and all additional forgiveness techniques are very welcome in the comments. I do know that if you’d like to feel differently, you have to do something differently.

Please.
Thank you.
And have a magical, peace-filled day.