I’ve recently had an epiphany… How I see myself has nothing to do with what I actually look like.

I could be 40 pounds overweight and think I look sexy as hell. Or I could be 30 pounds underweight and see myself as deflated and unattractive. I’ve had pimples and messy hair, with no make up on at all–saw myself in the mirror and thought I looked gorgeous. I’ve also been fully made up, painted lips and perfectly placed hair and thought I looked old or overdone.

I’ve learned that the way I feel about myself, how I think I look–is not dependent upon how much effort I put into myself. And it doesn’t even depend on how others see me (i.e. when I’m thinner, people comment how great I look, which doesn’t necessarily correspond with how I feel at all).

My inner mirror directly reflects my emotional state. I don’t mean that when I’m pissed at my husband, I look witchy or if I stub my toe, I’m an ugly crier. Emotions are fluid, always changing. However, all of these daily or mini emotions exist inside of a larger box labeled with your over-arching emotional state. Think of the box as your emotional season.

In my winter season, every day, I feel that I look sallow and dull. I do not feel sexy or want to go out and interact with the world. I am most likely thinner, as are the bare branches of hibernating trees.

In my summer season, I could wake up with a massive hangover, mascara smudged under my eyes and think I look stunningly wild and beautiful. I might be fluffier, like the summer mosses down by the river.

Most of us aim to live in a festive fall or sunny spring season. During these seasons, on some days we feel great, and others just ok.

Women everywhere can empathize with another version of this idea that visits every month. When Aunt Flow is coming, we usually feel bloated, unfriendly, acne-ridden, junk-food craven and downright yuck. This is a hormonal rainy season, dwelling inside of whatever actual season we are in at the time.

This realization may be common knowledge to some. Yet for me, I was oblivious. And it would have been worth its weight in gold during my excessive dieting 20’s or constantly pregnant 30’s.

I am reminded of a recent phone conversation with a childhood friend who’s currently in the throes of Ozempic. I was expressing my interest in her weight loss journey and also voicing my concerns. I found myself coming to this realization as I was speaking with her–and she vehemently agreed. She went on to say that despite being almost 10 sizes smaller, she doesn’t think she looks thin. Furthermore, her best friend, riding the Ozempic train with her, shares the same feeling about her own significant downsizing.

So, where does it end? When will she feel good enough? Thin enough? Pretty enough? Young enough? The answer is–not until her emotional season changes.

But can we change our own season? No one wants to live in a perpetual state of winter. Zoloft helped me. And obviously things like diet, exercise, and staying away from the bottle and toxic people helps greatly. We must know though; winter never gives rise to summer–it slowly turns to spring. First, with a windy March, and then sometimes there’s snow in April.

My inner mirror reflects my heart’s mood. I know now that my self-image is largely dependent upon my mental and emotional state. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. And as you behold yourself, if you see someone who is ugly, fat or with a hideous [INSERT: nose/boobs/butt/skin]…put on a warm coat and be a gentler with your heart during this winter.