I used my mother as an emotional dumping ground for far too long. But I am not alone, at some point, you did this very same thing too.

It is in a child’s nature to save all the attitude, the screams, the cries, the “life’s not fair” and the blame for mom. Our mother is our safe haven, the place where we can let down our walls and feel all the painful, horrid things we don’t want to let ourselves feel in public or even when alone.

I was a really pleasant and extroverted child. I was kind to strangers, helpful to teachers and bubbly with friends. But I was, many times, downright cantankerous to my mother.

My mother has been gone now for 4 years. And so, I no longer have a dump. My children are very young and my husband works hard. So now, as the mom, I have become the dump. And I’m not just being dumped on by my 4 children—as the mother archetype, I am often this place for my husband as well.

Sounds shitty, right? It definitely can be. It’s hard to be a space for all the people I love when I do not have that safe space for myself. It is hard when my toddler fits, my 10 year old whines, my girls stomp their feet and yell, or my husband freaks out. In fact, it drives me absolutely mad sometimes and I’m screaming and yelling right back at them.

However, I am honored to be the dump. I am grateful to provide my family a place to express the harder feelings they bottle up inside all day. I represent unconditional love to all of these people, as my mother did for me. A love that no tantrum, cuss word or banshee screams can break. I am the dump, but I am also the one who loves them all the most.

Just this morning, my 4 year old was in total melt-down-crisis-freak-out mode because her sister took her polka dot pants. I was unloading the dishwasher and making 4 breakfasts, so I turned to her and said (ahem screamed), “I’m busy, go solve your own problem.”

Now. When you are 4, I can imagine that not having blue polka dot pants is quite earth shattering. But my goal is not to create adults who get everything they want, when they want it. My goal is to create adults who have good coping mechanisms and are able to solve problems independently.

Last Sunday, my husband woke up cussing and complaining. He stomped and screamed and threw shit with absolutely no provocation at all. But he is going through a difficult time with his immediate family and the financial burden of carrying 6 people during the holiday months is silently excruciating for him.

I’m not excusing anyone’s poor behavior. I’m not saying it’s okay to hurt people you love when you are angry or sad, at any age. But it’s comforting to know that love is the room where this rage lies. Love is the offering I have in endless supply and will never stop offering up for free.

I carried mountains of guilt after my mother’s untimely death. Every fight, cutting word and tantrum I laid out at her feet for 36 years came back to haunt my soul. It actually even deepened a depression I had to swim through after my last child was born.

But after much reflection and inner-child work, I was able to forgive myself. You see, mothers are more than happy to be our dump, our safe haven, our padded room of unconditional love. Mothers always forgive. Mothers understand and hold our pain like no one could—or would.

This holiday season, if you have one, hug your mother. Love her beyond reason. Thank her for being your dump. You are luckier than you know.